So I have huge trust issues. It would seem that my demons play well with other peoples demons sometimes, and that gets messy and complicated. Who has the time to invite new people in our life… the vetting process is exhausting. I can’t afford the distraction, as I am just trying to keep myself and family above water. So I close myself off even more as my demons say…. good call you don’t want to chance it, that will most likely result in disappointment and heart break again.
I believed them, they caught me at a vulnerable moment when I was hurting and feeling betrayed by people I trusted the most. I reacted in a panic to cut out almost everyone one from my life and my circle became smaller and smaller. It was easier to run away from even the slightest suggestion of the potential of pain, disappointment and rejection.
My demons filled my head with every word I just typed. My freaking flying ghost monkeys haunted my head with each and everyone of those thoughts. They covered all bases to isolate me as they added…. they are all better off without you, because you will just cause this,this, and this so now, I am also doing everyone a favor. So I react in fear and push people away to run and hide. When I got lonely and missed those now missing from my life, my demons graciously reminded me of old hurts, wounds and pain that you can almost feel all over again just by thinking about them… so you don’t and find yourself in protect and survive mode. My own thoughts would introduce fear and beat me down until I was in agreement….yeah that is a terrible idea….and you would just screw it up, so better not to even try…lonely isn’t that bad. Bam! onto the next shiny thing to steal from me.
You see the thing about all that is that it is total bull shit!
I don’t have trust issues, that is so over dramatized, my demons lie. I would say I am cautious. I want to give everyone a chance, just like I want them so desperately to give me one.
See something was exposed… I thought… what does a people person do when you are tricked into believing you are scared of people. You pull a 180 on the lies and do something differently. I made it a mission to make up for everything stolen from me and I set out to meet as many new people I could and that is when I started to see my truth, not filtered through a bunch of lies of fear whispered in my head. It changed me for the better and I can’t imagine never having the people that are new and in my life that because I was willing to take a risk they each play a role in loving me back to truth. I encourage you if you believe you are good and have enough friends you maybe being lied to. The greatest things about this life is the people I get to share it with.
So just an example of a lie I believed that maybe you can relate to…. I believed I had enough friends and I needed my inner cirlcle close and closed. I am overwhelmed at the people I get to call my friends not distractions. I can’t even imagine all the laughs, memories and all the great stories I would never had experienced. This changed me a ton when I exposed these lies. Go make a new friend, if that is too scary then go out and be friendly… talk to people. I talk to everybody… my kids tell me.
People are so lonely out there and you never know what might happen. Maybe you are one of those that already know all this and rock it…then I encourage you to think about the other areas of your life these little bastards steal from you as they whisper in your head.
Another one of the biggest lies I believed was that I was never meant to be anyone’s mother and I believed I was like a nanny and maid who hated her job….Lies, lies, lies, every word, Oh my freaking God… that is another story. I have tons of stories of how I caught my thoughts and my belief system kinda screwing me over.
Thanks for your time, the most precious thing you have.
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