Posted in Demons, Devils, & Flying Ghost Monkeys

I have enough friends is what my demons told me…

So I have huge trust issues. It would seem that my demons play well with other peoples demons sometimes, and that friendsgets messy and complicated.  Who has the time to invite new people in our life… the vetting process is exhausting. I can’t afford the distraction, as I am just trying to keep myself and family above water.  So I close myself off even more as my demons say…. good call you don’t want to chance it, that will most likely result in  disappointment and heart break again. 
I believed them, they caught me at a vulnerable moment when I was hurting and feeling betrayed by people I trusted the most. I reacted in a panic to cut out almost everyone one from my life and my circle became smaller and smaller.   It was easier to run away from even the slightest suggestion of the potential of pain, disappointment and rejection.
My demons filled my head with every word I just typed. My freaking flying ghost monkeys haunted my head with each and everyone of those thoughts. They covered all bases to isolate me as they added…. they are all better off without you, because you will just cause this,this, and this so now, I am also doing everyone a favor.  So I react in fear and push people away to run and hide. When I got lonely and missed those now missing from my life, my demons graciously reminded me of old hurts, wounds and pain that you can almost feel all over again just by thinking about them… so you don’t and find yourself in protect and survive mode. My own thoughts would introduce fear and beat me down until I was in agreement….yeah that is a terrible idea….and you would just screw it up, so better not to even trylonely isnt that bad. Bam! onto the next shiny thing to steal from me.
 
You see the thing about all that is that it is total bull shit!
I dont have trust issues, that is so over dramatized, my demons lie. I would say I am cautious. I want to give everyone a chance, just like I want them so desperately to give me one.  
See something was exposed… I thought… what does a people person do when you are tricked into believing you are scared of people. You pull a 180 on the lies and do something differently.  I made it a mission to make up for everything stolen from me and I set out to meet as many new people I could and that is when I started to see my truth, not filtered through a bunch of lies of fear whispered in my head. It changed me for the better and I can’t imagine never having the people that are new and in my life that because I was willing to take a risk  they each play a role in loving me back to truth.  I encourage you if you believe you are good and have enough friends you maybe being lied to.  The greatest things about this life is the people I get to share it with.
So just an example of a lie I believed that maybe you can relate to. I believed I had enough friends and I needed my inner cirlcle close and closed.   I am overwhelmed at the people I get to call my friends not distractions.  I can’t even imagine all the laughs, memories and all the great stories I would never had experienced. This changed me a ton when I exposed these lies. Go make a new friend, if that is too scary then go out and be friendly… talk to people. I talk to everybody… my kids tell me.
People are so lonely out there and you never know what might happen.  Maybe you are one of those that already know all this and rock itthen I encourage you to think about the other areas of your life these little bastards steal from you as they whisper in your head.
Another one of the biggest lies I believed was that I was never meant to be anyone’s mother and I believed I was like a nanny and maid who hated her job….Lies, lies, lies,  every word, Oh my freaking God… that is another story. I have tons of stories of how I caught my thoughts and my belief system kinda screwing me over. 
Thanks for your time, the most precious thing you have.
Later Sweets
 
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Posted in Demons, Devils, & Flying Ghost Monkeys

My Demons call me names!

My demons they call names like fat, lazy, stupid, worthless, dirty and what is wrong with you? Each of those words came in the voice of someone in my life I knew, love and trusted. It is hard to hear the question over and over by someone you love… What is wrong with you…  So my demons use that against me…Well remember when such and such said you were…blah blah blah my demons love to remind me of the pain that fuels them.  The truth is those voices that came out of those people were just the ghosts that haunted their head and if they could take it back they would. Sometimes we forget the power our demons words have disguised in our on voice!

DDFGM - #6

Posted in Demons, Devils, & Flying Ghost Monkeys

DDFGM – Declaration of Badass!

Hey you Flying Ghost Monkeys with your voices in my head.
The one who loves to whisper in my ear and tell me everything that I am not, and everything that I will never be. The one who then will list all the reasons why.
I am freaking talking to you! So listen up! I have heard enough out of you!

So here and now let me tell you who Stacey freaking iBold Stibbards is…..
I am a Rock Star of a Wife and Mother.
I am loving funny, encouraging, fearless, talented, forgiving, and compassionate.
I am a loyal friend who is generous and kind.
I am smart, wise and sexy.
A number for my size or age does not define me.

Funny thing is you never tell me THOSE things;  you tell me how I disappoint everyone and then you point out all of my short comings.
You love to pull the ‘remember the past’ card.
I am not crazy and I know that if you, Flying Ghost Monkeys aka (Devils, Demons, skeletons whatever you call them) are talking to me, chances are you are talking to other people around me.
My heart is FOR all people and I want to see everyone pull a 180 on your ass and break free from all the lies you tell, and I am going to tell them how amazing they are, because you don’t.
My words have power and the more I expose you and the lies you tell us, the better we all become.
So consider this my Declaration of Badass, because you are going down!

(Voice you sure are persistent I will give you that : )
I haven’t even hit “Post” and you’re already telling me….
“Don’t post that because people will judge you…
laugh at you….
hate you…..
misunderstand you.
You don’t want to open that door.
They don’t really want to hear anything you have to say anyway, so save your breath”

My Badass response:
Well let’s just see….
I am willing to take that risk ……
because I think, they just might be ….
encouraged by me….
laugh with me….
like me….
understand me…..
and maybe just rally against you with me!
After all I am just standing up to a bully!
But thanks for your ‘concern’ little voice.

What do you have to declare?
You are so much more than that voice gives you credit for.
It is time for us to stand up to that bully!

Love ya Sweets!

Birth of the MOMHAWK!

In August of 2010 my life took such a turn that I never saw coming…..and it would change me forever. Seriously! You are going to love this story!

It was a Monday morning. We were just trying to shake the weekend off that no one wanted to end, and head back to the daily grind.  Anyway we were running late and it was total insanity; everyone running around trying to find everything we needed to get out the door. I drove the kids to school in what I slept in, dropped them off, went home, and started cleaning. I threw a frozen hunk of something in the slow cooker and started the first of 5 loads of laundry I had facing me. Then I ran through to clean and vacuum every room in the house; I had to pick up from the night before; there had been about 22 people at our house until pretty late.

Just before I make my way to start scrubbing the bathrooms, I get that feeling I am forgetting something and maybe should be somewhere else. Sure enough, I am not dressed and in desperate need of a shower after my power workout cleaning my house like a freak.  I think hard and it comes to me; I am scheduled to meet some one in about 43 minutes! I go through my head how long will it take me to get there….What is Silicon Valley traffic like at this time of day? I have to take Tully Road, and I HATE Tully Rd. It’s a nightmare to drive and always slow. If I am going to make it in time to meet this person, I have about 18 minutes to get out the door. This realization is doubly daunting because I’m convinced that adult ADD has kicked in; I’m imagining all the distractions and shiny things that haven’t distracted me yet, but could in the next 18 minutes. I’m distracted by the possibility of being distracted. Then, I looked in the mirror and everything comes to a screeching halt as I realized that in addition to finding an outfit, my hair looked stringy and greasy.  I knew it was so bad that not even a ponytail would solve the problem.  My hair was a mess and I was pushing it by not washing it the day before, but time got away preparing to host everyone the day before and I just didn’t want to face anyone looking like this.

I started to think of things I could do and say to this person to cancel, or at least buy some time, without lying to them.  Now you see all this plotting and thinking is taking up precious time I need to prepare to leave and do the right thing, but instead it’s like I’m stuck listening to an argument going on between the angel sitting on one shoulder, and the devil sitting on my other; like in the cartoons when we were kids . . . remember that?  Anyway, I’m leaning toward agreeing with the devil’s arguments. “People will think you are a slob if you go out looking like this.” Consumed with all the thoughts of what everyone might think if I leave my house with my hair looking like this.  Just as that devil voice has made a really convincing argument, I have decided there is no way I can go like this.  Then the Angel on my other shoulder whispers softly, ‘You’re going to let something so silly as hair get in the way of loving and encouraging someone when they need it most?  Your hair is going to get in the way of that?’

As I stood looking in the mirror, it seemed so simple. Why had I not thought of this earlier?  How many days had I been in this position with my self-confidence for the day being measured by how well my hair looked? For years I had coveted and dreamed that I would have long blonde hair and finally… I did.  See I thought that hair was a super power; when it looked good, I felt good and could talk, smile and encourage people like I was on a mission. On days that I would consider it “a bad hair day” I barely made eye contact with people, much less talk to them.

I just stood there starting to buy in to the lies, and something rose up in me. I was pissed because I almost fell for it again.  I said out loud, ‘I will shave my head bald before I ever let a bad hair day have any power over me again!’ I stepped out of the shackles and walked out the door. I went to meet up with this gal; even though I ran late by a few minutes, she got stuck in traffic as well and showed up 5 minutes later. Thank you…. Good Old Tully Rd.
She was brokenhearted over some big stuff in her life. I realized that if I had cancelled on her, it would have been an awful thing to do.  I was also reminded that when I go out of my way, it is never for nothing. Our lunch was amazing; she was in a way better place leaving that coffee shop than when she arrived. To be honest, I was in a completely different place as well. I could hear the music from Rocky playing in my head as I walked out to my car I could feel the victory and it was so sweet.  I loved that I got to speak the words that brought encouragement and hope that helped her battle her own little red guy on her shoulder.  She just needed to be reminded how amazing she was and those eyes became a little brighter with each word. It occurred to me that my hair had no super powers, but my words did.

On the drive home, with the Rocky theme still beating in my ears, I remembered my declaration about shaving my head.  The first salon thought I was having a “Britney moment”, and refused to trim it shorter than my shoulders. That wasn’t good enough. I went to a second salon, and they would only go to a ‘short bob’ length.  Still not enough. I wanted it shaved.  The third salon took it to a ‘short pixie’ style, when it hit me; I have a set of dog clippers. When I arrived home, I asked my husband to shave my head.  My husband, preparing to shave it off, suggested I keep some on top in the middle and do a Mohawk-like style for a few days just for fun. So I shed my long blonde tresses which I had coveted for years. I was so excited, but a little scared. I never realized how much my identity was wrapped up in hair.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to do was walk out my front door for the first time; I had no idea if I could even pull this new look off.  That red guy on my should was in over-drive. “You look ridiculous. People are going to make fun of you.”  The Angel on my other shoulder reminded me that my haircut was a giant “F___ You” to the red guy, and that he was just pissed off and a sore loser over my new-found freedom.  I decided that for that reason alone it was all worth it.   ‘wear it high and wear it proud’ as my husband says.

My kids call it my MomHawk. I worked for hours on my hair when it was half way down my back, and no one complimented it or stopped me to tell me how much they liked it. Now they do all the time. It has been almost four years and I have not blow dried, curled, flat ironed, combed or brushed my hair since that day.  It feels like freedom and bed head is my friend now.

I have tons of stories of what has happened since and I have more self-confidence then ever before.

Getting rid of that long hair was such a small thing, which didn’t feel that way until I stood up to the lie that was stealing from me and others around me.  I pulled a 180 on that voice by going that day. I pulled a 180 on that voice by cutting my hair. I started to look out for other lies I’ve bought into, and that has changed my life. My hair was just the beginning.
You are so much more than that voice ever tells you.

Stacey

momhawk